What I Learned From My Mother

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill Kerry, do it outside".

My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you kids don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that roof and break your neck, you're not going to Clarks with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that German spaghetti is gone."

My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room looks as if a tornado went through it."

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a thousand times...Don't exaggerate!"

My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until dad gets home."

My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your dad."

My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

My Mother taught me ESP. "Put your coat on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me SHARING. "Play nicely with that shinny rock or I'll just take it away from both of you."

My mother taught me about ENVY."There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids and I hope they turn out just like you!"

But most of all, my mother taught me LOVE. "You know that whatever you do or whatever happens, I'll stand behind you because I love you."